Mom once told me she could never take me out in public… it would end in disaster with me screaming and crying and throwing a huge fit.
Even as infant I was extremely sensitive to things. my mom and dad were the only people who could hold me. If anyone else tried to hold me, they said I would arch my back up and scream bloody murder at the person Mom and dad worked to keep my life simple and orderly. They found that by doing so, they could keep my anxiety levels low and I could handle things better. But yet, several times a day I would meltdown over to them what seemed like trival things. It was a guessing game for my parents as to what would set me off next. The only peace mom said she got was when she put me to bed, she said I would go out like a light.
What she never saw was me waking back up after a few hours and just laying there enjoying the darkness and silence.
My dad worked 60 hours a week to put a roof over our heads so my mom was my primary caregiver. She faced the brunt of my autism and at one point she had a mental breakdown and nearly had to be hospitalized. Mom ended up seeing a counsler who made some suggestions and this resulted in a year of occupation therapy. My therapist recognized a lot of things in me that today are considered part of the autism spectrum, but back then
were not.
Even though I have a very good memory going back through all this. I barely remember any of my meltdowns. It was like my mind puorpesly shut off the tape recorder so I wouldn’t have to relive trauma of the event I just went through.
What I do remember I wish to share. My meltdowns could be classified into three categories consiting of…
1. – routine violations
2. – sensory input
3. – frustration
My hometown had a big boy restaurant located downtown until the early 90′s. It was routine every friday night for us to go to big boy for dinner. I never really like going though. for one, I liked going on car rides 10 miles to the north to another place we liked going to. And second, the big boy had this signaling device in the middle of the dinning room that looked very much like floor indicator on an elevator that hung down from the celing. It had a bell in it that seeming went off at random. I did not like the randomness of this device and on this day our table was right under it. I remember getting more and more agitated as I knew at some point the bell in this thing would go off and scare me. Thats where my mental tape stops. Next thing I remember my dad dad is dragging me by the hand out of the big boy and into the car along with my mom. Instead of big boy that night we ended up going through the
drive through at mcdonalds.
To try and ease their stress levels, my parents put me into a daycare center. One of the things they did at daycare was to take us in groups to local restaurants as an easy way to get us to learn and to feed us at the same time. On this particular day we were going to the local taco bell. We always split up into two groups. I traditionally always went with the first group. But on this day I was not picked for the first group. Instantly upon realization of what happened. I remember starting to scream and cry. I remember shouting NO! over and over. I wound up under a table, not wanting to come out until they agreed I could come with group one. 40 minutes and a taco later, I remember an aide at the daycare who was working one to one with me the whole time commenting to
me that I was “still out of it”.
This was not a case of me being spoiled, I rarely got picked first for anything, and if anything was usually last for things due to my
behavior.
I remember one evening after doing homework thinking it would be a good idea for mom to look over my long division homework. We had transitioned from figuring remainders to decimal points. Math was not my strong point and I got most of the problems wrong. After the third time of having my mom send my homework back, I could feel the frustration build up inside. Upon seeing for the fourth time that my math work was still very much
incorrect, I lost it. Not only was my math not correct, I was missing
get smart on nick at nite. I sank to my knees a complete mess. Instead of being a maturing 12 year old, I was two years old again. I screamed. I cried. I hit my head on the wall. I didn’t want to, but I couldn’t help it. The whole time I was thinking “why me?” and “why do I do this?”
About 45 minutes later I had calmed down enough to concentrate and finish my math.
Meltdowns are a part of every autistic life. Despite the progress I’ve made, To this day I still find myself in situations where one could happen. I have to work very hard mentally to stop them. Sometimes I don’t succeed.
but that doesn’t me from trying
Post time: Jun-18-2017